i've posted this before at my tumblr. but, i wasn't finish yet.

Now, I don’t really care and I’m not bothered if people come and go from my life. I’ll let everybody come, but not to close. And I’ll let them go if they want without confirm it anymore. I don’t wanna care anymore about ‘that’. I won’t let myself down because of letting someone in and fall for them then cry for them. Enaugh for that one. I’ve done the hard one. I’ll lern from it. Don’t let someone in so deep. Just let the one you really trust and who will be your life-mate in.

so what?

after seeing glee eps 18 i curioused what is OCD?
and yes, i finally knew what OCD is. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. the symptoms are the brain get stuck on a particular thought or urge, afraid of contamination, repeatedly check things, afraid that if everything isn’t perfect, or obsession with order and symmetry.

so what's the correlation between OCD and don't trust someone?

after knowing OCD, i just felt like finally i found something to call about myself -,- why? because i almost never be calm at every situation. i always think, think, and think.
"what will happen next?"
"what he's gonna do to me?"
"what do they think about me?"
"it should be like this"
"it shouldn't be like this"
"why me?"
"are they talking about me?"

and also, i don't like if something go wrong, unperfect. i'm perfectionist. i have timetable. i organize everything in my life. i have mindset "i must do something on time" or "if i don't want anybody else bothering me, don't bother them" and "just do it my way, myself".

when i'm with my friends, together, i don't like something messy. so i always tidy up anything there and make myself tired -,- i don't like to see something unarranged. i'm afraid of germ that i wash my hand nearly often. not really bad, but i know it's in me.

so, about the quotation above. last december i tasted sweet, salt, sourness, and bitter. the sweetest came first. then i had little problem with my friends that i couldn't forgive. why? yes because OCD. i didn't say that it was their fault, no it wasn't. it was just my-another-anxiety for undergoing the same thing forward.

after that, the important person to me has lied to me but he smiled at me at the same time. he hided the fatal thing. the thing i knew, badly.

so, that's why i don't wanna trust anybody anymore. no, i just scare to trust again. even my besties even my family. that's why i close myself from people. i'm afraid.