34 2011 Graduation Day

it was 28th may 2011, it was 34 graduation day. nothing really special about it but i couldn't sleep at night before coz i have something to say next day to someone, Andi.

i tought it would be the las time for me to see him, so i had to clear this all. i didn't calm at all. even at last, i couldn't find him so i texted him but there was no replied. i was getting panic. lastly, i asked iki, "do you know Andi's new number? please i've got to see him" and iki answered, "that's him" he pointed behind me, near the exit door. i was getting panic. i said, "please order him to wait for me for a minute! i have something to give!"

i ran to the photo studio where i left my clutch, and i took his cookie cutter.

i walked fast back to iki, wore no shoes, and i saw Andi was there. i was breathless, speechless. everything i had on night before to say had gone. so i only said, "i only... want to.. give you back.. this.."

i stared at his eyes, trying to fix my breath, then he put the cookie cutter, looked at it just a second, then he hugged me. i was still speechless, but i couldn't hold my emotion, aaaaall of emotion that i had held for 5 months, so i began to cry on his shoulder. he hugged me. i cried loudly. pouring all my emotion and tears there. i had nothing to say. i only cried.

after that, i waited for my father to pick me up. there was me, my other, him, sisca, and retno. my mother was sleeping. sisca and retno might be understand, they left us. then i put my head on his shoulder and said, "i actually have no idea about this. i've prepare 3 line to say to you, but i cant say it. at first, i just wanna say this, sorry, and thanks."

after that, my father came. we are on the car and i took him home. when on the car, we talked less. we only leaned each other. i didn't know why. but i let it happened. let it flowed. and i was so happy for getting him back as my special friend once again.

thanks God for everything you gave, i really really appreciate it and i don't know what would i be without you ;)


i've posted this before at my tumblr. but, i wasn't finish yet.

Now, I don’t really care and I’m not bothered if people come and go from my life. I’ll let everybody come, but not to close. And I’ll let them go if they want without confirm it anymore. I don’t wanna care anymore about ‘that’. I won’t let myself down because of letting someone in and fall for them then cry for them. Enaugh for that one. I’ve done the hard one. I’ll lern from it. Don’t let someone in so deep. Just let the one you really trust and who will be your life-mate in.

so what?

after seeing glee eps 18 i curioused what is OCD?
and yes, i finally knew what OCD is. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. the symptoms are the brain get stuck on a particular thought or urge, afraid of contamination, repeatedly check things, afraid that if everything isn’t perfect, or obsession with order and symmetry.

so what's the correlation between OCD and don't trust someone?

after knowing OCD, i just felt like finally i found something to call about myself -,- why? because i almost never be calm at every situation. i always think, think, and think.
"what will happen next?"
"what he's gonna do to me?"
"what do they think about me?"
"it should be like this"
"it shouldn't be like this"
"why me?"
"are they talking about me?"

and also, i don't like if something go wrong, unperfect. i'm perfectionist. i have timetable. i organize everything in my life. i have mindset "i must do something on time" or "if i don't want anybody else bothering me, don't bother them" and "just do it my way, myself".

when i'm with my friends, together, i don't like something messy. so i always tidy up anything there and make myself tired -,- i don't like to see something unarranged. i'm afraid of germ that i wash my hand nearly often. not really bad, but i know it's in me.

so, about the quotation above. last december i tasted sweet, salt, sourness, and bitter. the sweetest came first. then i had little problem with my friends that i couldn't forgive. why? yes because OCD. i didn't say that it was their fault, no it wasn't. it was just my-another-anxiety for undergoing the same thing forward.

after that, the important person to me has lied to me but he smiled at me at the same time. he hided the fatal thing. the thing i knew, badly.

so, that's why i don't wanna trust anybody anymore. no, i just scare to trust again. even my besties even my family. that's why i close myself from people. i'm afraid.